'who let you become the demon I cannot forget?'

I must be in a time warp--the present (and recent past) seems to (have) flash(ed) by and things of the past seem so much more near (to the heart?)...but all that is an illusion..examining the past i see that the seemingly crystal clear memories have gone fuzzy towards the edges...covered with soft dust, dead leaves and pollen (why pollen? beats me!)...all that remains (and passes for authentic) are the feelings that i (supposedly...because memory plays all kinds of tricks upon you) felt then--love, shame, anger, happiness and incredible, incredible sadness...but shame above all, and sadness...maybe not even sadness...the sadness comes because of reliving the moments of shame...as ADG says the one kind of memory that you can exactly revisit over and over and feel the same is the memory of having experienced shame...that's true...i can't remember the exact words often, when it comes re-membering happiness...but always, always the words which fixed me eternally in a sick cycle of humiliation come back clearly through the fogs of time...
this post is occasioned by a brilliant poem (as the blog title shows)...but I do insist on knowing...always pestering others for information...and no floodgate of memory opened up before me when i heard, though i tried to recall things and pretended to feel sad...what i felt was not sadness...no...but the kind of sensation that you feel when you think you're stepping on a stair and your feet lands in mid air...i think that at last i'm ready to let go of 'all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule'...which is why i'm writing on a public blog in the first place...a very nice man (older and wiser...not what you think!) told me that i was bottling up too much and that it would have serious repercussions...i believe him, it's all so very true


So, let go, so let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

- Frou Frou (OST Garden State)